Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Why I chose green.

Posted: October 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

I don’t usually justify my hair dye choices. I’ve made a few bad ones, I’ve made a lot of good ones. One thing I’ve never done is make excuses or justify them to anyone else. When asked why, I always say “because I want to.”

This is not an excuse, and this is not a justification. You wanted to know why, so here it is.

Green is a color I’ve pretty much always told myself I’d never do, for a number of reasons. It fades funny, it doesn’t last particularly long, and I never thought it would look good on me. But then one day, I decided to do a he-to-she/genderbend Beetlejuice makeup. And the green wig did look good on me. So I started thinking, why had I always told myself it wouldn’t?

The reason, honestly, is that I’ve never liked myself much. I’ve struggled to feel pretty, confident, proud, and even (yes, a word I’ve often felt ashamed to sling around out loud), sexy. Let’s be real, when I think sexy, I am not the person I picture.

The person I do picture is Hayley Williams. You all probably know that she’s my idol. She’s been through some shit, she dyes her hair wild colors, she’s a freaking rockstar, and she’s never stopped doing what she wanted to do and being herself once. She’s always been exactly who she wanted to be, regardless of what others told her, or what she told herself. And damn, that’s sexy. She puts it best: “Sexy doesn’t have to be a tan blonde girl showing off her goodies.”

Not that there aren’t plenty of tan blonde girls that are also sexy. You’re all sexy.

But in an interview with Cosmo, Hayley also talked about her experience in public school, “I was new, and it was like that movie Mean Girls. This clique would tease me and make up rumors about me being gay. I don’t even know why they did it. I came home crying one day and told my mom I couldn’t be around them anymore. So we decided I would be homeschooled. I think it’s important to check in with yourself and make sure you are being exactly who you want to be. When I am true to who I am… I’m just more happy being me.”

Sometimes I am that clique of girls to myself. I tell myself that things don’t look good, that I’m not doing something right, that I have to be someone else to be okay. Of course, this is my sinister depression telling me these things, and it’s lying. But I forget to check in with myself, the real self, to make sure what I’m doing is what I want. That’s how I ended up working at Howard Center, and living in Essex, and taking shit from a coworker for so long, and then not even rage quitting. It’s how I ended up giving five weeks notice instead of two. I don’t often do things for me. I do them for other people, because my brain tells me I have to, or it tells me what could happen if I don’t.

A very good former coworker, and even better friend, reminded me recently that you can’t live in what could be. And even though she was talking about a client, and didn’t know that what she was saying would truly resonate with me, it was the catalyst for what would become my green hair. You can’t live in maybe. Maybe it’ll look terrible, maybe it’ll fade funny, maybe it won’t last long.

But maybe it will look fabulous.

Maybe green hair will make you feel sexy. Like a sassy She-tlejuice (that’s a word I just made up. Beetlejuice, but she). Maybe it’ll fade fast, and maybe it’ll even look weird while it does. But you know what? Weird doesn’t have to be bad. Sometimes hair dye fades and you find new colors to fall in love with.

Since dyeing my hair green, I feel… cooler. I feel like a badass who dyes her hair green, and rides motorcycles, and laughs in the face of danger. I feel like myself, like I am exactly who I want to be. And even though I probably won’t keep the green hair forever, I know now that I’m never going to dye my hair a ‘normal’ color just so I can land a job. I know that being a makeup artist is who I am supposed to be, who I want to be. That being a creator, and artist, a free spirit, even a rockstar.. those are the things I have always, and will always describe myself as. Green hair has made me feel more confident, more attractive, and more powerful than I have in the past, just like all bright hair color has for me. Dyeing my hair bright colors has always been the ultimate expression of who I am.

Hair dye is who I am, whether it’s green, or red, or orange, or purple, or blue, or pink. Maybe it’ll fade down the road. But maybe isn’t sexy. You can’t live in what could be. Living for right now is sexy. Be your own kind of freak.